St. Patrick’s Day is Coming

mermaid

Just ask the makers of the film Leprechaun. Not every movie needs a series of action figures and dolls.

Blueberry Pancakes… I mean… Senior Moments

Looking for the appropriate way to tell your elders that they are old and forgetful? Get Senior… …Moments. The board game that’s so slow and aimless, they gave it two sets of ellipses. It’s the gift that you can keep on giving, because they’ll never remember that you gave it to them.

Senior Moments the Game

 Loser gets sent off to the nursing home! Let’s take a closer look.

Wow, that’s a lot of pieces. I can’t believe the playing tokens aren’t Werther’s Original candies.

Let’s talk about the box itself. First of all, love the color choice. It’s prune, and we all know how the elderly love their prunes. Smart marketing choice. And the half a pair of glasses (probably the victim of a senior moment accident) is another brilliant touch. How this game wound up on the shelf of TJ Maxx is beyond me.

Man-Armed Lady isn’t making that expression because she is losing the game. She’s not even playing. She’s just tired of having to continuously explain the rules and getting interrupted with stories about a fruit stand they visited during The War.  Grampa Plaid Shirt has lost control of his arms because he thinks he has Bingo.

In summary, this game is the perfect way to remind someone, “Hey, at least you’re not dead yet.”

Found by: Thanks to Bess for sending me this incredible find.
Found at: Tha Maxx, Kansas City

Coochie Coochie Coo

Even though you tend to laugh when it is happening, being tickled is not enjoyable. It is painful and all-around terrible. But of course, some foot-fetish sculpture designer decided that this legal form of torture would make an excellent conversation piece.

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Imagine having this in your home. Now imagine a new friend or acquaintance coming to your home for the first time. Unless they too enjoy feet and tickling, you have just lost a friend.

This verifies my theory that TJ Maxx is the store of choice for dismemberment enthusiasts and sadists. Oh, and bargain hunters.

It’s Not Broken, It’s Modified

Finding a broken, mismatched, or otherwise worthless item at TJ Maxx is as difficult as finding hay in a haystack. But why throw away a mostly worthless item when you can attempt to sell it for slightly less money?

Would you like a set of 4 uh, 3, oh, who cares how many there are, just buy these freakin’ glasses. If you have a fourth person come over to your house, make them share.
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The mythical unibull lives at TJ Maxx. And no, it’s not a bull statue with one horn missing marked down a little so no one would notice. That would be stupid. A unibull is a more frightening, badass version of the unicorn. A unicorn for manly men, if you will. So buy this one!

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This girl teaches us a lot about overcoming challenges and that all of us are different. She clearly used to have arms, and she seems pretty happy despite her loss.

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I am kind of concerned that the bottle in her pocket indicates she was holding a baby. Oh, God. WHERE IS THE BABY? And can someone help our armless friend put on her other shoe?

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So, as you can see, broken houseware items are not distracting at all. Buy these!

Found by: Caroline
Found at: Tha Maxx, Kansas City (all on one day too!)

There Are Angels in the Sky… Doin’ It

Oh, boy. Let’s just get this out there. This is a pregnant African-American Angel with an abnormally small face-to-head ratio, a sparkly trim robe, and she’s holding a rose. That doesn’t sound so strange, now does it?

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At first I thought she was just a little bloated, but a side view confirms she’s baby smuggling. No worries, it looks like that baby is ready to come out soon. I don’t understand that strange bulge near her feet, but I’ll take that over a visible popped belly button any day.

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Aesthetics aside, I think it’s kind of weird to give someone a statue of anything pregnant. Unless you’re Michelle Duggar, it’s a temporary state (and one most women probably don’t care to remember). And then there’s the angel factor. I thought angels didn’t have genitalia, let alone reproductive organs.

But I digress. This item is in surprisingly good condition for being at TJ Maxx. If you need a moderately creepy pregnant angel to watch over your other knicknacks, I think this one would be just fine.

Found by: Caroline
Found at: Tha Maxx, Kansas City

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I don’t understand that strange bulge near her feet, but I’ll take that over a visible popped belly button any day.

Get Your Own ScareKid

I’m a big fan of Halloween and I’m really glad that it’s almost here. I love dressing up in a ridiculous costume that I secretly want to wear everyday. I love candy. Most importantly, I love the selection of Halloween decorations/low-tech security alarms available at TJ Maxx. 

OMFG_jackolantern

Do you have pesky Trick-or-Treaters ringing your doorbell all night long on Halloween? Afraid to turn off your porch light and deny candy? TJ Maxx offers this delightful scarecrow from the John Wayne Gacy collection that ensures children will not come anywhere near your home. While most Halloween decorations are a cute kind of scary, this beast will strike fear into the hearts of the most sugar deprived children. Half creepy clown and half pumpkin-witch, pairing this ScareKid with a sign that reads “I make my own treats” guarantees you a peaceful Halloween night where you can eat all the leftover candy you want without worrying about kids egging your house.

Found by: Internet Gnomes (Flickr)
Found At: Unknown

Bookends of Serial Killers

Oh, bookends. They’re great. Books say “I like to read” and these bookends say “I like to kill people.” If I were a director for a movie about a secret serial killer, I’d use this as a foreshadowing piece.

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And if you were wondering what happened to the heads and hands of those torsos, just walk down the aisle. In my movie, this tender moment of seduction is shown with romantic music,  just as the killer pulls out a steel garrotte.

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And at the end of my movie, the killer removes his faceade and his true identity as a Mime Construction Site Scarecrow is revealed…

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This character would be played by Gary Busey. It’s just an idea, but I think I should develop this screenplay. I’ll film it in revolutionary form of animation using only found objects from TJ Maxx. Cross your fingers!

Found by: Internet Gnomes (Flickr)
Found At: Unknown

Tell me more, Once-ler!

Ever wonder what a Truffula Tree might look like in real life? No? Well, someone did.

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Unless your prom or interior decorating theme involves Dr. Seuss, there is no reason for you to purchase tinsel attrocity. I think my favorite part of this piece is the completely mismatched base, which is trying so hard to blend in with the rest of the Christmas rejects.

Wait. Time out. Is that a power cord I see? Call Clark Griswold.

Found by: Internet Gnomes (Flickr)
Found At: Unknown

Our Lady Of Boobs, er Booze

Identifying your wine glass at a party can be a challenge, unless you have a set of those nifty charm things. Instead, I plan on showing up to all parties with this delightful wine glass.

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I’m pretty sure a teenage boy or a plastic surgeon designed this glass. Not only are the breasts enormous and abnormally round, but they’re practically a chin rest for this lady. But I bet she appreciates it since her pencil neck probably can’t support the weight of her bulbous head. The level of back pain this lady must experience!

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Then again, if my breasts are so massive that they are wider than my arm, I think chronic back pain would take a back seat to my lack of mobility. Or, judging by her oddly tapered dress, she may be a mermaid. Her giant boobs might be an evolutionary floatation device.

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I thought they took classy to the next level by adding a Camel Wide on the side, but I think it’s really a flesh-colored lipstick. With a kiss-print on the other side in a completely different color.

Yep, so I’m going to take this glass to parties. I don’t think it can ever be washed, so I’ll probably have to commit to red or white right off the bat. The trail of blue glitter will leave a fun reminder of my presence.

Found by: Caroline
Found at: Tha Maxx, Kansas City

Sweatpants of Heretics

I was looking for a pair of sweatpants to give to my mother for Christmas last year, so I visited the “Active Bottoms” section of TJ Maxx. I know, nothing says “Love ya’, Ma” like a pair of sweatpants, and TJ Maxx is probably the reason for the phrase “it’s the thought that counts”. But that’s what she said she wanted. And my mom would kill me for not finding a good deal.

I found a great pair for only $14.99. Mom would be so proud!

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And then I looked a little closer at the logo I saw at the bottom of one of the legs. What an odd place for a logo, I thought…

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Oh.

They had a price tag and an anti-theft device, so it wasn’t like Smokey McFireStarter pulled a switcheroo. No, somewhere along the line, the Marlboro Zorro left his mark. I like to think they survived a fiery wreck on the interstate and that the TJ Maxx elves came and collected them.

I went back a few weeks later and miraculously, no one had purchased the cigarette-marred pants. But they had gone down to $11.99.

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